The Gordian Knot Of Our Relationship

So, I'm heading into old age with my heels dug into the ground.  I don't want to go.  I'm vain- I don't like what's happening to my body and I dread what's to come.

I do feel like I can postpone looking like an old crone somewhat by eating well and trying to stay in shape. Dressing and hair are tricky- you don't want to look like you still think you're in your 20's, but you don't want to look frumpy.  It's a strange nether-world.  Not really old, not really young.

Anyway, I do try to look good, for myself, and for my husband.  Because I can't stand when people let themselves go. I think 90% of overweight people in America have just given up- maybe it's because of depression, but basically, they're eating too much and that's why they're fat.  Now that I'm in my 50's, I'm hearing more and more women complain about their knees- some closer their 60's have had them replaced.  I don't say it, but I'm thinking- you're carrying around the equivalent of about eight 5 pound bags of flour everywhere you go- of course your knees are falling apart!

Lately, Big Al and I have had a sort of running debate concerning this question: would he still find me attractive if I was fat?  I say no. He says yes. I think he's lying, just being the really nice guy that he is.  He says he always will love me for the person I am, not because of the way I look.  I say, if I got huge, I wouldn't be the real me- I'd be a depressed, pathetic version of myself.

This has been bugging me- I just don't believe that what he's saying. And I try hard to look good for him- it's not always easy.  There's sacrifice and hard work involved.  I want him to appreciate that, not act like it doesn't matter, like it's the same if I care or just give up and lay around eating garbage like a slob.

It's complicated with women. When we start losing our looks, we get a little panicked. We don't want to stop being noticed by men, basically. When I explained my theory about why it bothers me when he says it doesn't matter what I look like, he explained that he knows my looks are going to change- that's what he's really talking about.  Whether I'm fat, or old, he'll always find me attractive because of who I am.

So, round and round we go.  He calls this the gordian knot of our relationship. Basically because I'm a  complicated and sensitive girl and he never is sure of what is the right thing to say, poor guy.  But, he did say the right thing, and I get it, so I'll drop it.  And just try and accept that someday, if I'm still around in about 15 years, I'll be an old lady.  Hopefully a really cute one.