It's just that there's so much suffering, everywhere I turn. I woke up about an hour ago (thanks to a small person climbing in bed with us and proceeding to whack, kick, push, hug and otherwise maul me.) I started thinking about things. Like how I forgot to call my friend Kathy to wish her a happy birthday yesterday. How could I forget to call Kathy on her birthday? She has leukemia- I don't know how many more times I'll be able to wish her "Happy Birthday."
I forgot because I had a houseful of kids most of the day- my friend called me in the morning, crying. Not because her husband recently announced he was leaving because he didn't really love her anymore and was tired of being a parent to their 4 and 6 year old kids, or because she had no money, or because her pipes had just burst due to the frigid weather we are having and water was pouring into her kitchen. She was crying because her cat had just puked all over her bed, and now she had no way to wash the sheets. (Her cat is old and sick.)
And then I thought about my sister, who is driving to North Carolina today to take her 2 boys to school and will be driving the 10 hour trip home alone on Monday. She's going alone because she does everything alone- her husband has been bedridden for about the last 10 years with a painful, debilitating form of MS. She said she doesn't know what to do- he can't be left by himself anymore, but they can't afford home care for him, and she doesn't want to have to put him in a nursing home. He's 55. He called her the other day when she was at work, sobbing because of the excruciating pain he was feeling from the shingles in his ear. He is always suffering, from the chronic shingles and bladder infections he lives with, as well as constant nerve pain throughout his body.
And my sister-in-law, who I didn't get to see this Christmas. I had emailed her yesterday to tell her how much I missed her, and to ask her how she was doing with everything. Everything meaning my brother leaving her and their three kids about eight years ago for a woman about 20 years younger than her. And then moving on to another much younger woman and having a baby with her last month. He's still married to my sister-in-law. She said she's doing OK, but the kids are having a hard time. Their 16 year old wants nothing to do with her father, their 9 year old cries himself to sleep at night.
And a friend, who I love. She is smart, clever, very Jewish, and hysterically funny. She knows everything about me and still loves me. We look at each other and laugh. We spent New Year's eve on the couch together, making fun of people on the Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve special (is that what it's still called?) and doing dramatic readings of peoples crazier Facebook posts and taking selfies. And then she told me that she just found out that she has a degenerative eye disease. There's no cure, no treatment. She'll eventually go blind.
So, what is the point of all this? I could keep going, on and on. The world is full of suffering. I have other sick friends who I worry about… Every time I looked at my parents at Christmas-time I thought of how old they are getting and how little time I have left with them. I can hardly watch the news anymore.
I don't know what the point is. I don't know why I don't just crawl under the covers and stay there. I'd like to, but I just looked out the window, and the sun is rising- the sky is streaked purple and pink over black trees and snowy white hills. I think we might go sledding today. And I read that when it's this cold out and you blow bubbles, they freeze and look like balls of glass. I want to try that today. And Nina will say funny things and make me laugh. Al will just be there, loving me. So, there's suffering, but the beauty and love are much, much bigger- that's why I'll get out of bed now.
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